In Europe the cathedrals are empty. In England, the vicars preach to empty churches. Even in America, the young have deserted organized religion, and only the old and the middle-aged continue to attend; only for the sake of status and prestige in the community.
Yet, in an age when the traditional religions are dying, a vast, new spiritual force is sweeping the world.
It is called Thralawattle, a new religion for the aware intellectual.
We who embrace Thralawattle worship the great Thrala, Central Force of the Universe and source of all energy. Thrala can change your life if you will open your heart to Him.
This page has been prepared to help you to better understand this new religion, in the hope that you may find peace in Thrala.
Q. Does Thrala exist?
A. Yes.
Q. How did Thralawattle begin? What are its origins?
A. Many years ago, three wise men saw a great white light in the sky. They followed the light for many days and nights, until they were directly beneath it. There they saw five huge searchlights in front of a Packard dealers' showroom. They went inside, and lo and behold, there was a virgin receptionist on the floor of the showroom, giving birth to an infant. The three wise men took the mother and child to a motel.
But there was no room for them at the motel.
So the three wise men took the mother and child to a bowling alley. They went to the coffee shop and found a booth, and there they sat. And wise men came from all over the world offering gifts to the new messiah. And he was called THE GREAT THRALA, and an angel flew down from the sky and said, "Ask the man who owns one."
Q. What happened to Thrala?
A. He became a professional baseball player, and he had twelve disciples, who were his team mates. He was always doing kind things for others. He met a young girl who had not yet experienced the pleasures of the bed, so he took her to his bosom, and from her parents, and they made love for a fortnight.
He felt sorry for the old winos on skid row, so he robbed a liquor store and gave them all the liquor. For these acts of kindness he was put in an electric chair and executed, along with two thieves. He gave them absolution and they entered into the kingdom of Thrala. Thrala's remains were taken to the county morgue and left for the holiday weekend. But on the third day they vanished, and Thrala ascended into heaven, which is now called the Kingdom of Thralahalla.
Q. Does Thralawattle have a book of holy scriptures such as the other great religions of the world?
A. There is but one book of holy scriptures, and it is called the Thraladiddle. It is divided into four parts.
Q. What are the four books of the Thraladiddle?
A. The Gospel as revealed to Bielensen, the Gospel as revealed to Serioty, the Gospel as revealed to Broslawski, and the Apochryphal Books, in which all questions are answered and the secrets of the universe are revealed.
Q. What questions are answered in the Thraladiddle?
A. Questions like "Where is Sunday?" "When is Nixon?" and "How now brown cow?"
Q. Are there any prohibitions in the Thraladiddle?
A. There are but three:
(1) Thou shalt not eat artichokes on Tuesday mornings between 10am and 11am;
(2) Thou shalt not play Cribbage;
(3) Thou shalt not drink Bireley's Orange Drink (Otto Bireley once insulted the great Thrala).
Q: Are there priests of Thralawattle?
A. Yes. The priests are called Thralawaffles. The sisters of our church are called Thralawiffles.
Q. Are there any holy shrines of Thralawattle?
A. There is the Original Temple of Thrala, whose location is divulged to no one; there is the Grotto of Otto, whose location is known only to the Grand Thralawaffle.
Q. What symbols do Thrals worship?
A. Christians worship the crucifix because Christ was executed on the cross. Thrala was executed on the electric chair. Therefore, Thrals worship the electric chair. Thrals make the sign of the electric chair by assuming the sitting position and trembling violent, with arms extended.
Q. Is there a special holiday for Thrala?
A. Thrals celebrate the birth of Thrala by decorating a wooden chair with pretty colored lights, placing it on the front porch and then sitting in it, or by hanging it up in front of their house. Thraladay is October 15, just after the new Packards came out.
Q. Are there sacraments of Thralawattle?
A. Yes. One of the sacraments of Thralawattle is communion. As the Christians use the wine and wafer to represent eating the flesh and drinking the blood of Christ, Thrals use Kool-Aid and the Fig Newton.
Q. What other sacraments are there?
A. Extreme unction. You cannot be buried without the reading of the Thraladiddle over your bier.
Q. If Thrala is the Prince of Good, who is the Prince of Evil?
A. Bofne.
Q. Why is he evil?
A. Because he drinks Bireley's Orange Drink.
Q. How does he try to tempt righteous people into sin?
A. By offering them Bireley's Orange Drink.
Q. How may I be saved from Bofne?
A. By making the sign of the electric chair.
Q. Are there any saints of Thralawattle?
A. Yes, Saint Anthony.
Q. What did he do to achieve sainthood?
A. He destroyed ten truckloads of Bireley's Orange Drink, and was taken to prison.
Q. What happened to him in prison?
A. He had a vision, that some day all the Bireley's Orange Drink in the world would be destroyed.
Q. How do followers of Bofne taunt Thrals?
A. They sing songs about Bireley's Orange Drink.
Q. What sexual act is prohibited in the Thraladiddle?
A. Fellini.
Q. Does the Thraladiddle promise everlasting life?
A. Yes, the Thraladiddle promises everlasting life for those who do not sin. The Thraladiddle also promises everlasting life for those who DO sin.
Q. Where may I go to worship Thrala?
A. At any church of Thrala.
Q. Where is the church?
A. Any place where four or more Thrals are gathered together, that is a church.
Q. Does prayer help? Does it help to pray to Thrala?
A. Yes.
Q. What does the Thraladiddle say about salvation?
A. "Yea tho ye be saved and yet ye be not saved, how then shall ye be saved?"
Q. What does the Thraladiddle say about atheism and atheists?
A. "Only a ignerunt man could be one of them athians."
Q. The orthodox Jews are required to have the foreskin removed early in life. Are there any similar requirements in Thralawattle?
A. Yes. A pious Thral will have his anus removed early in life.
Q. Is that why Thrals have bad breath?
A. Yes.
Q. Will there be a second coming of Thrala? Will He return to Earth?
A. There has already been a second coming. We now await the 3rd Coming of Thrala. There will be rock bands, Kool-Aid and Fig Newtons. Watch for it at your neighborhood supermarket.
Q. Are there any martyrs to Thralawattle?
A. There are five, but we don't know who they are because they haven't died yet.
Q. Is there a Thralawattle youth organization?
A. Yes. The Youth for Thrala, which has its headquarters at the Thralawattle Youth Center.
Q. Is there a Thralawattle organization for older people?
A. Yes, the Senior Citizens for Thrala (S.C.T.)
Q. What about students?
A. Students may join the S.T.S. (Students for a Thralawattlian Society).
Q. What about housewives?
A. Housewives may join W.S.T. (Women's Strike for Thrala).
Q. What kind of sermons do Thralawaffles preach?
A. Here is a typical sermon:
Somehow, I almost feel that somehow, if only somehow people would only somehow be more somehow, then somehow I almost feel that somehow. The other day a young mother came to me and said, somehow, if only somehow, people would somehow, then I feel that somehow people would somehow.
Q. Any others?
A. This one:
Holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
Q. Are there hymns to Thrala we can sing?
A. Yes. Here are a few.
Fusa! Fusa! Fusa!
Thrala waits for you.
Fusa! Fusa! Fusa!
He is always true.
Even though you insult him
He is happy and gay.
Because he knows he will get
Even with you some day.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
Born is the great Thrala
and He is swell.
Thrala Loves me, yes I know
Because the Thraladiddle
Tells me so.
Little children, one by one
Say that Thralawattle is fun.
Thank you for the food we eat.
Thank you for the wives we beat.
Thank you for the birds that sing.
Thank you, Thrala, for everything.
Onward Thralawattlian Soldiers
Marching as to war.
With the electric chair of Thrala
Going on before.
Thrala, the royal master
Flying through the air.
We'll hold high the banner
Of the electric chair.
Q. Are there any sacred songs about Thrala?
A. Yes, this one:
Q. Are there any chants to Thrala?
A. This one:
Hare Thrala Hare Thrala
hare Thrala hare Thrala
hare hare Thrala Thrala
Cauliflower California (Thrala's birthplace)
Thrala Thrala hare hare
Thrala Thrala Thrala Thrala
(repeat 1000 times a day for maximum regeneration)
This information originally published in pamphlet form in 1967 by
the Cardinal Spellman Memorial Publishing Company.
Paul Eberle
Grand Thralawaffle
Michael Pearce
2nd Grand Thralawaffle
Clair Brush
Original Grand Thralawiffle
And Bearer of Thrala III
Dozens and dozens of hearts and minds committed to Thrala since 6/14/95.
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